Suppressed Feelings
by zhuzhu415
Summary: You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.


"What Babe… I don't .. no .. what? I don't know who that's is or why I would even say that . Can… I .. I gotta call you back I'm at the scene." Esposito grumbled as he approached the body.

"Hey Espo what was that all about." Castle said.

" It was Sophia, she says I talk in my sleep." Esposito said , Castle and Ryan cringed .

"What'd you say?" Ryan said.

" It's not what , it's who I said." Esposito said nodding his head towards Lanie who was examining the body.

"Ooooo that's bad bro." Castle said " it's always the ghost of girlfriends past "

"Yeah and now cause I'm such a blabber mouth Sophie wants answers that I don't want to give her." Esposito said approaching the body.

"What we got Lanie." Esposito said avoiding her eyes.

"Well hello to you too detective since when are you so rude?" Lanie said looking up at him, he sighed and tried to look away but he automatically stared into her big brown eyes.

"Sorry. Hola cariño. " Esposito said. He clapped a hand over his mouth after realizing what he had said. Lanie looked up at him just as shocked at what had came out of his mouth.

"Shit, "He mumbled under his breath. Lanie quickly started in on the body. "Uh um, there are signs of blunt force trauma but I cant be for sure till I get him back to the morgue, Male looks to be maybe 28-29 years old, CSU is looking for a wallet now so we can try and get an I.D."

" Thanks. " Esposito wrote some things down in his little note pad then walked away grumbling something in Spanish.

"Hey dude what was that all about?" Detective Ryan said approaching Esposito.

" What was what about?" Esposito said nonchalantly which earned him a look from Ryan.

"Don't answer my question with a question I'm talking about your little exchange over there." Ryan said impatiently

"It was nothing." Javier strugged " And any way I'm with Sophia remember? "

"Yeah sure but that" Ryan pointed his pen, "didn't look like nothing."

"What didn't look like nothing?" Kate said as she walked towards them.

"Nothing." Esposito said, "Dr. Parish still hasn't got an id yet she says there are signs of blunt force trauma though." Kate looked at Esposito.

"Are you ok Espo?" Kate said looking at him. Esposito looked down and pretended to be review notes.

"Yeah I'm fine. Why do you ask?" Esposito said still looking over his fake notes.

"Well for one thing you've been staring at an empty notepad and secondly when did we get so formal huh? 'Dr. Parish.'" Kate crossed her arms on her chest.

"Kate its nothing.. why don't we just focus on finding who killed John Doe over there." Espo said looking away, Kate could always get answers out of him even with his Special Forces training.

In the bull pen Javier sat at his desk and searched missing persons for their vic. He was scrolling threw pictures when his phone rang.

"Esposito." He answered not checking the caller id.

" Hey Jav, I've got an ID on our John Doe, His Name is Ian McConnell. Write this down." Lanie said into the phone.

"Uh ok." Esposito said scrabbling his desk for paper, he opened his drawer and paused when he saw it , a picture of him and Lanie in Puerto Rico. Even though they'd broken up a while ago he just could bring himself to get rid of it.

"Hello?!" Lanie said into the phone the sound of her voice hit him like a bus and knocked him out off his deep thought.

"Huh oh yeah the Vic. What do you say His name was again?" Javier said grabbing a sticky note and closing the drawer.

"Ian McConnell, He is 32, his prints aren't in the system but luckily he just went to the dentist recently. Are you ok Javier?" Lanie said concerned

" Yeah why would you ask that?"

" I mean… after that incident this morning , I just wanted to make sure your ok."

He wanted to scream into the phone _No I'm not ok I'm in a relationship that's going nowhere and oh by the way I still love you but you don't love me why don't you love me? _ But instead he just said:

"Yeah I'm fine just a little tired. Thanks for asking though."

"Alright I'll let you know if we get any thing new."

"Alright bye Lanie."

"Bye Javier."

Javier just barely got through the day between the three interrogations, that picture taunting him in his desk and the overload of missed call and texts from Sophia, he was dreading going home to have to fight yet another time with Sophia then have meaningless make up sex just to shut her up.

When Javier got home it started just as he had predicted, Sophia was there in the living room waiting for him.

"Hello Javier." She said from the couch not looking at him.

" Hi." He said dryly throwing his jacket and keys.

"I have a question for you." Sophia said finally getting up from the couch.

Javier sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Yes?"

"Do you love me?" Sophia said, this caught Javier off guard he excepted her to yell at him about his sleep talking and his ignoring her all day but not this .

"Yeah why?" Javier shrugged walking towards the bathroom.

"Say it ." Sophia said following him

"Say what?" Javier said looking in the medicine cabinet .

"Javier! Say it!" Sophia said angrily

"Ok fine, love you." He said still in the medicine cabinet avoiding her line of sight.

"Why wont you look at me Javier ?" She said now sounding more hurt than angry.

Javier took an aspirin then pushed pass her and went into his bedroom.

" Where is all of this coming from?" Javier said taking off his tie.

Sophia Just stared at him. "'Where is this all coming from?' Are you serious Javier?" Javier opened his top drawer not knowing he was throwing gas on the Sophia fire by doing so. As soon as he grabbed a t-shirt out flew a picture of him and Lanie from their visit to his grandmother's house he remembered it because he was about to throw her in the pool so he was holding her bridal style.

Sophia's eyes darted to the picture before he could grab it.

" What. IS. THIS." Sophie said fire in her eyes.

"It's a picture." Javier said swallowing hard running his hands threw his hair.

"Why are you hiding it huh? " She said waving the picture in the air.

" I'm not ." Javier said eyes locked on the picture

Sophia took a deep breath and looked him strait in the eye.

"Get rid of it." She said handing him the picture, he took it out of her hand and looked at it then at her. Then he said very calmly,

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'?!" Sophia said the anger flooding her face.

"I mean what I said no I'm not getting rid of it." Javier said seriousness in his eyes .

"Why not I thought you loved me and wanted to be with me!" She said tears starting to roll down her eyes,

Javier clenched his jaw. " You know what Sophia I'm actually starting to rethink that."

"You know what if you wont get rid of it I will. " She said reaching for the picture.

Javier put his arm strait up in the air and said. "I wont allow you to."

"Why not? Huh! Do you want to be with her? Do you secretly LOVE HER?!"

Javier never understood why women asked questions that they didn't want the answer to any other time he would have lied to make her happy but this time he couldn't his heart wouldn't allow it.

"You know what Sophia you wanna know the truth? Well ask and you shall receive. Yes I love her I never stopped loving her ok? And guess what no matter how hard you try you'll never be able to replace her you happy now? There's the truth."

Javier walked out of the room and went for his jacket and keys.

Sophia came stomping after him.

"Don't you walk away from me Javier Esposito ."

" Too late." Javier said walking towards the door.

Just as he opened the door Sophia threw a glass at him just missing his head. He turned around.

"I'm sorry, goodbye." He said as he walked out the door.

Javier got into his car and whipped out his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Can we talk?"

" Yeah sure. You ok?"

"I'm fine I'll be over there in a minute."

He walked up to her door and knocked.

Lanie opened the door in that same moment Javier only uttered three words before grabbing her into his arms.

" I Love you." He grabbed her and kissed her. She only allowed it for about thirty seconds before she came to her senses.

"Javier! What are you doing? " She said pushing him away, he walked inside and closed the door behind himself.

"It's not what you think. You asked me what was wrong well here it goes. I've been in a meaningless relationship for six months trying to fill the gap that you left but, it hasn't worked and it wont work because no matter how much you push me away I'll always love you. And if you really don't love me make me leave right now. Tell me to leave Lanie."

"Javier what happened?" Lanie said, Javier reached in his pocket and pulled out the picture that had previously fallen out of his drawer.

" This happened." Javier said handing her the now slightly wrinkled picture then he took out his phone.

"And, this and this and this and this." Javier said swiping through pictures in his phone of them and/or her.

"Lanie I broke up with Sophia because she wanted me to get rid of that picture in your hand."

"Javier." Lanie started.

" Listen to me I'm not here to have sex with you then go on and pretend nothing happened, I'm here because I need to be able to hold mi cariño in my arms."

Lanie just looked at him.

"Please." Javier said. She walked up to him looking deep in his eyes and she wrapped her arms around his torso and held him tightly.

"I never stopped loving you either Javi." She said into his chest.

"Thank you so much Lanie." The stood there like that for a while before she let go of him and grabbed his hand and lead him to her room.

"No, Lanie stop that's not why I'm here please just let me hold you." Javier said when they reached her door.

"You talk to much." she said. She pulled him into her room , took off his button up while he still protested but didn't stop her. Then she went to one of her drawers and pulled out a pair of sweat pants that where way to big for her.

"Here I stole these from you a while back , put them on." He obeyed.

" Now lay down sir." He laid down on her bed , he had forgotten how confortable it was he got under the comforter and breathed in her scent. She got in the bed next to him and kissed him , but he just wrapped his arms around her, buried his face in to her hair and drifted into a deep sleep


End file.
